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Warwick Plumb and the Four Grey Goldfishes: A splendid story by Hansel

Once upon a time there was a sticky boy called Warwick Plumb. He was on the way to see his Barry Noris, when he decided to take a short cut through Hyde Park.

It wasn't long before Warwick got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favorite toy, Molly, but Molly was nowhere to be found! Warwick began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Molly. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw a grey goldfish dressed in a red jacket disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Warwick.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed goldfish. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Warwick reached a clearing. He found himself surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from pods of peas, a house made from macrons, a house made from humbugs, a house made from doughnuts and a house made from crisps.

Warwick could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Warwick looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Warwick a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Molly!

"Molly!" shouted Warwick. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give Molly back!" cried Warwick.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let Molly out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, four grey goldfishes rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Warwick recognised the one in the red jacket that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.

"Hello Big Goldfish," said the witch.

"Good morning." The goldfish noticed Molly. "Who is this?"

"That's Molly," explained the witch.

"Ooh! Molly would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the goldfish.

The witch shook her head. "Molly is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Warwick interrupted. "Molly lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Goldfish ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Goldfish looked at the house made from crisps and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from crisps if I wanted to."

"That's nothing," said the next goldfish. "I could eat two houses."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Molly."

Warwick watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Molly to Big Goldfish. He didn't think Molly would like living with a grey goldfish, away from his house and all his other toys.

The other three goldfishes watched while Big Goldfish put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Goldfish. "Just you watch!"

Big Goldfish pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from macarons. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

Eventually, Big Goldfish started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of macarons, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Goldfish.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Goldfish never finished eating the front door made from macarons and Molly remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Average Goldfish stepped up, and approached the house made from humbugs.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Goldfish. "Just you watch!"

Average Goldfish pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from humbugs. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After a while, Average Goldfish started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...

   ...and greener.

A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not a bush, I'm a goldfish!" said Average Goldfish.

"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."

"No! Wait!" cried Average Goldfish, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the goldfish away under his arm.

Average Goldfish never finished eating the front door made from humbugs and Molly remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Little Goldfish stepped up, and approached the house made from doughnuts.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Goldfish. "Just you watch!"

Little Goldfish pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from doughnuts. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After five or six platefuls, Little Goldfish started to fidget uncomfortably on the spot.

He stopped eating doughnuts for a moment, then grabbed another forkful.

But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Goldfish into the sky.

"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Goldfish. "I'm scared of heigh..."

Little Goldfish was never seen again.

Little Goldfish never finished eating the front door made from doughnuts and Molly remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Tiny Goldfish stepped up, and approached the house made from crisps.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Goldfish. "Just you watch!"

Tiny Goldfish pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from crisps. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Goldfish's mouth. She tried to stuff in another forkful of crisps, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.

"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Goldfish, and stomped off into the forest.

Tiny Goldfish never finished eating the front door made from crisps and Molly remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Molly."

"Not so fast," said Warwick. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from pods of peas. And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the goldfishes. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Warwick.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Molly back."

Warwick ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from pods of peas and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Warwick sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Warwick. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Warwick's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from pods of peas. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Warwick was down to the final piece of the door made from pods of peas. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Warwick had eaten the entire front door of the house made from pods of peas.

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Molly or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Warwick hurried over and grabbed Molly, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Molly was unharmed.

Warwick thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Barry. It was starting to get dark.

When Warwick got to Barry's house, his threw his arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Barry. "You are very late."

As Warwick described his day, he could tell that Barry didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Barry.

Warwick unwrapped a doorknob made from macrons. "Pudding!" he said.

Barry almost fell off his chair.

The End

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